I See You

Rose: You have a gift Jack....You do....You see people.

Jack: I see you

Rose: And...?

Jack: You wouldn't have jumped!!

My favorite lines from Titanic.

Its amazing how some people have this special gift. They can see right through you. Now I'm not talking about the friendly neighborhood Orthopedic who enjoys counting your ribs when looking at your X-Ray. I'm talking about the people who know exactly know how you are feeling at a particular instance - Like...when you are feeling happy after realizing that you know just enough questions to pass the exam. And, feeling sad when you fail by a mark or too - You name it, and they will know.

With their magical powers they can tap right into your brain and tell whats bothering you. At the same time suggesting the simplest possible solution...I mean like at one moment you are tearing your hair out trying to solve a maths problem, then out of no where there is an Aakashwani broadcast -

Vats...just assume that 2*3 = 6 and attempt the problem again.

And you are left wondering....Holy Cow...how did she know that??

Toh kahaani yeh hai doston...that if you happen to bump into someone whose description matches the one above...its not the time to run around naked and scream "Eureka...Eureka". You haven't invented anything...Its time thank the Almighty because you have discovered a Friend. Yes, you might have known the person for some time, may be years. But this is the moment you realize the person in question is real 24 Carat, Export Quality material.

I've been lucky to have quite a few of these discoveries through my 28 and some years...The best part is...the list keeps growing. Take these people out of my life and I am thrown back to the stone age. Yeah, even the Jhingalala guys would fair better than me.

The latest one to join this notorious (:-p) list comes from a land known as God's Own Country. No surprises then about her magical powers.

And for someone who has been in there for what now seems to be an eternity...we have this illustration

Party badal lo...Peter, Raabart aur Mona...

Gupta Ji ke paas hai... Lion se bhi zyada Sona

Looks like the day is not far when our friendly neighborhood Orthopedic will also not need my X-Ray. He'll just rise in chair and say...I See You :-P

Charandas ki Shaadi II - The World of Matrimonial Sites

Well...sequels are the tradition of our times...Phir Hera Pheri, Double Dhamaal, Murder 2..(kya ismain do Murder hote hain??)..KBC Dvitiya..etc etc...and hence the title. Thankfully most sequels last up to part two or may be part three...but the pace at which I am going, you might be reading Part 15-20 in the months/years to come :)

So the next step for Charandas was to register himself on a Matrimonial site.

Yes, gone are the good old days of Jay finding a match for Veeru and 'praising' him in front of Mausi. Agreed that Jay has his own radical methods, but in the end what mattered was that Veeru got Basanti (not to mention Dhanno and the Mausi too to take care of the kids). Thats what you call a perfect match.

Match making today however is done on Shaadi.com. The website claims to be the largest of this kind. Even 10 years ago, no one could have thought of these two words - Shaadi and DOTCOM coming together (this in itself being an interesting match :-p).

So instead of the seeming honest approach of climbing the tallest water tank and broadcasting his credentials to the entire village, today's groom takes a more complicated (what we call sophisticated) approach of the electronic world - Matrimonial Sites

Shaadi.com, BharatMatrimony.com, JeevanSaathi.com, HaathiMereSaathi.com...and many more interesting names.

Ditto for the girls. I bet Basanti would have climbed the same water tank had she taken few pegs of Veeru's brand of desi liquor.

If you look closely, its an interesting concept. Wannabe Brides and Grooms from all walks of life come together in this Mela to find a life partner. Yes, Mela is the term which describes this concept for me. In fact, I sometimes wonder if its like the annual Trade Fair that we have in Delhi. Thousands of sellers assemble here to sell (some times trick) their products to millions buyers. Everyone claiming their product to be the best.

The funny thing in my case is, I dont know whether I'm the buyer or the seller :)

So I talked to a few friends, who had good experience in this field and it looked like that from all the options available Shaadi.com would be the magic wand for me. Next, the profile of the most eligible bachelor in 'Rohini Sector 9 Plot 34 Delhi' was created. The task turned out to be a bit more difficult than I had thought. But some valuable tips, again coming from my wondeful group of friends saved the day.

In the few days after the profile was created, nothing happened. For the unlucky souls out there who havent got the chance to be a part of this wonderful process - "nothing" here stands for no requests came for a match, and no response for the profiles I had 'expressed interest' (yes, thats how these sites call it - Express Interest'). And somehow I was not surprised. I mean what are the odds of someone finding my profile in the zillions out there - someone must be going through really unlucky days to land up here - I chuckled to my self (more in relief though).

Then one day I noticed a little progress bar on my profile which was in red. It said Your profile is only 34% complete. Complete it an enhance your visibility by up to 10 times

Now this was a complete shock. While registering I had filled so much information.- I filled my educational and professional background, family details, contact details, height, weight, complexion (yes the fair and handsome type :-X ), even my blood group and hobbies. And still it all counted for only 34%!! I mean you really got to be kidding me. With all this info up on the net, even the Secret Service Agency of Bangladesh would be able to locate me. But still this was not enough. Grrr..

Painstakingly, I completed the remaining stuff including an improved version of the essay 'About Me'. Well trust me, I have seen profiles where this section is written in the form of an essay. Like we used to write in school - Cow ka essay- This is a cow. A cow has four legs. A cow has two horns. A cow hits you with the same horns if you make fun of her.

Ready to go?? Not yet baby....

No profile is complete without a picture. So I had to dig my archive to find a sober looking pic. It was so hard to find one (hey, its not funny). It made me realize the habit of not standing straight when being in clicked. Sometimes i'm sitting on the road sometimes lying down on the same road, sometimes standing jumping from rocks, sometimes from tree or walls etc etc...well thats the kind of stuff we do when on a trip with our Traveler Mandali.

And the one pic from a friend's marriage which did not have me in my elements, didn have any hair on my head either (will keep that story for a later time) - so it was promptly rejected. Finally I was able to find one to be sober enough (according to mom-dad) to be put on the profile.

Wow, the calculator on Shaadi.com now read my Profile Completeness at a lifetime high of 84%. I must be flashing at the top on every God Damn search for Grooms (Wide Grin!!)

Btw, If i had my way this is the pic I would post on my profile page

Baba Jinxed - I think this picture describes me quite nicely :-p

I mean, the picture should say something about you. Not something that you have got specially clicked in a photo studio. And with all those photo editing tools available, these people at times make you look anything but.. you. May be something similar to serials on Star Plus where the characters are shown in their homes with all the make up and fancy dressing - as if everyday is Diwali. Then I realize that there are somethings, where you should not put your grey cells to work - especially if they are a scarce resource for you.

Frankly speaking, this whole business of Matrimonial sites has given me more questions than answers. Its a sea of profiles out there. How do you judge someone and how does someone judge you? I would rather have someone get to know me by reading this blog than through a silly questioner about my education/profession/salary. Feels like I am applying for a home loan :).

May be I'm thinking too much, may be I need to take it easy not be so serious about this..Life has its own way of doing things..may be i'll end up finding someone in the Jhingala Tribe of Western Orissa. Hope they are using Shaadi DOT COM :-P

Finally, there are few things which are not as complicated as the stuff above - Monsoon. Jee haan doston...Once again Monsoon kept its date with us (Early July). It was raining cats and dogs today. The city looks so much better in the rain. Everything washed up, like a fresh coat of green has covered the roads. And if you get this combo early in the morning or late at night when there is little traffic, dont waste it. Get out in your car/bike/scooter and enjoy. Let me also choose a song for you....

Aao..Mil jaayega...hoga jahan pe raasta

Aao...meelon chalain...jana kahan..na ho pata..

Hum jo chalne lage...chalne lage hain yeh raaste..

Manzil se behtar lagne lage hain yeh raaste...

Charandaas Ki Shaadi

Its a Sunday morning. Usually at this, me and my sister are kicking each other to wake up first. Our research shows that even if one of us wakes up a bit on time, the amount of scolding we are going to get will be a bit less (for being such lazy bums). Dad also takes is easy as he doesnt have to ring our cell phones at 6:30am to wakes us up in time for office. Mom is busy doing her Puja and a whole lot of other activities. Moms -Its amazing how even a Sunday makes no difference to them. Sometimes I compare them to ants or may be soldiers...just going about doing their work without a fuss.

But there seems to a a lot of activity in my home for a Sunday morning. Gudiya is already awake and helping mom --Howz that for a start. Dad is in some newly found energy acting like a Army Major. Even the maid seems to working in 5th gear. And me, still to realize about the gravity of the situation (yawning and rubbing my eyes) ask...

Kahaani kya hai doston?? Aaj to Sunday hai!!

There is a momentary silence of a few seconds in which every one (including the maid) give me angry glares. Next, I am handed over a list and ordered -

Jaldi se yeh saaman le aa...woh log 12 baje aa rahe hain!

The camera zooms into my face from 5 different angles with a dramatic background score....yes the same angles you have been seeing from the days of Kyunoki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahoo Thi....and now in Balika Vadhoo. And although I dont go around screaming "Nahiiiiiiiiii" with my hands covering my ears, the shock is no less for me.

Yeah yeah....the guests coming are the good old "rishtey waale" or "ladki waale" in my case.

These days, it seems like the whole world is conspiring against me....like getting a certain Vaibhav Gupta married is the most sort after way to get Moksha

Confusion, anger and many other emotions filled in my head, I walk up to the market. On the way I notice the watchman, the vegetable seller, the family on a bajaj chetak passing by, running school kids even the stray cattle....they all seem to be asking the same question....kyuon....shaadi kab kar rahe ho...arrey bhai mithai kab khila rahe ho...!!!!

Yeah...I'm thinking about the same Ad as you are..."Bhool na jaana...ECE bulb hi laana.."

Done with the shopping, I reach home. Next, I am asked to take a quick bath and wear some 'nice clothes'. I feel like the bakraa who is being decorated nicely before being put to the sword. But the bakraa has been made such a bakraa on a few occasions before and has learned few tricks of the trade. The most important ones - Do what you are asked to do, speak only when required, and basically just go with the flow.

When the guests arrive, I am initially supposed to stay in my room. OK, OK its my sister's room where I am a paying guest. Meanwhile, both sets of parents get to know each other. What they do in this initial conversation is construct the most complex family tree that one could ever imagine. I mean, invariable they are able to strike some common chord (relation) between the them. However, this is only after a thorough brainstorming session of criss-crossing through various uncles and aunts spread across our community - choti si duniya you see :)

My sister is given the signal to bring the bakraa in. She is the happiest soul at this moment - laughing all the way and making fun of me, very well knowing that I wont shout at her at this time. As I walk to take center stage, I hear "golmaal hai bhai ..sab golmaal hai" playing in the background - Just like Sunil Shetty was hearing in Hera Pheri

A fixed place on the sofa waits for me to sit. Its carefully chosen wherein every one can get an un-interrupted view. 'So where are all the TV cameras and photographers' - I wonder. Nevertheless, the questions start....

Some usual...

- kahan job karte ho

- kitna package hai

- subha kitne baje jaate ho

- hobbies kya hain

...And some not so usual

- beedi, ciggerette ...sharaab......errr?? :)

- working ladki chahiye?? Aisi ka zaroorat aa padi aapko??

etc etc....

The questions are mostly the same each time and I try to be as crisp as possible. I have appeared and flunked in many job interviews in my time, but these ones are even harder - where I'm praying to flunk. But more than the questions themselves, whats tough to handle are the seemingly endless pauses in between - wherein everyone is just staring at me with a smile on their face. No, I'm not even trying to say that I'll look like the perfect grooms on the various matrimony sites (May be on my good days I can come close to resembling Gulshan Grover). But the silent stare is so un-nerving.

Anyone remembers scenes from Ramanand Sagar's epic Ramayan? Scenes where in between conversation the various rishi-muni you to just look at each other for 10-15 seconds, smiling and nodding there heads......Yesss...thats what exactly I am talking about. Try to picture yourself here and you would know.

So finally when everyone runs out of questions or should I say when they realize I should seriously consider meeting a shrink and give up dreams to getting married to anyone- its time to go.

And I dont know if its the Kaali maa ka aashirwaad or me being...well just ME....the bakraa gets saved to Meeyyhhhhh for another day :)

Well, jokes apart there is another side to this Bakraa Story. The side of the parents. I sometimes dont realize thats this is as much of a tough time for me as it is for my parents. They are trying there level best to find the best match for me - keeping all my interests in mind. But the confused state that I find myself regarding this topic of marriage, makes things even more difficult for them.

I wish there was a way to fix this.

And all the bakris and bakraas wondering about the title of this post - Anil Kapoor's name in this movie was Charandaas :)

Grab a DVD, its a simple fun movie